So I am back from a “vacation.”  I took spring break off to spend time with my kids and they ended up going to see granny in Colorado for the week.  On top of that I get a call from my sister Thursday.  To get a call from my sister is some what monumental.  It means one of two things.  Something good or something bad has happened in the family.  I don’t have a great relationship with anyone in my family.  So this time the news I got was not of the good kind and sort of shocking.  My sister was calling to tell me my mother had passed away.

For me it wasn’t one of those OH MY GOSH moments.  I haven’t talked to her in almost 8 years.  When I moved to Oklahoma my husband and I made the decision to not talk to her anymore.  Due to her illness we thought it best for our kids to not have contact with her.

The thought of not having her around seems sort of abstract.  I really didn’t have her around for the last 8 years so being told she is gone forever seems unreal.  Yes there are moments of greif and sadness when I think that I will never be able to tell her the reason I made the choice I did and that I really do love her with all my heart.  My best friend wrote a post on her blog that made me cry.  That in some strange way said what I felt.

Everyone is giving me there condolences on her passing.  To me it seems like a release for her.  From the voices she heard on a constant basis.  A release from the seclusion that her decease left her with.

Right now I just feel blank.  I don’t know how to feel.  I know I should feel sadness for my loss.  Though as of yet I don’t feel I have lost anything.  I also feel bad for not feeling anything at all.  I think that is the feeling I am dealing with right now.  The feeling bad for not feeling bad.

As of right now a memorial service is tentatively set for May 16.  If anyone knew her wants to attend please let me know and I will contact you with more information as I get it.


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