The past to present

I have been trying to decide if this was a something I wanted to write a post about.  After some thought I have found that it is something that I not only want to write a post about but something that I need to stop running from.

When I was 9 my mom became very ill.  She was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic.  I can remember when my dad told my sister and I that she was sick and that we would be living with him from now on.  That moment changed my life forever.  I wonder at times if I became the person I was meant to be.

I now look at my 9 year old daughter and wonder how at such a young age I survived.  How I became who I am today.  Yes I made some bad choices and turns in my life that weren’t expected but they have made me who I am today.  I see me in my daughter.  Kind and caring.  She looks out for others before she looks out for herself.  She sometimes cares more about how her friends are doing before she cares about how she is doing.  In a way that is me.

I also see things from a mothers point of view.  It must have been difficult from my mom to go through was she did.  She still struggles with her illness.  Truthfully I have not seen or talked to her in over 7 years.  I miss her at times but know that I can not handle her illness and would not subject my kids to some of the things I had to handle at their age.

There are time I fear that I am turning into my mom.  I guess that is my greatest fear.  Getting sick like she did.  Forcing my family to go through what I did at such a young age.

To my son and daughter I love you and hope that you make it through growing up better than I did.  That you remember that no matter how many times you make a bad decision that I always love you.  You can always talk to me about anything.  I mean anything.  Your hopes, your fears, and your dreams for life.

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2 Responses to “The past to present”

  1. You survived because you had to sweetie. You didn’t have a choice, and you are who you are because of it. You’re so strong, so loving, so kind, so understanding, and such a beautiful person. I know that you’re scared that you’ll turn out like your mom, but you are so far from that. Yes, you’ve been through a lot in your life, and there were questionable decisions that were made, but know that the path that you’re on right now is where you’re supposed to be (although I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to be living closer to each other). She doesn’t know how to take care of herself, and you spent so long taking care of her that she came to rely on you. The best thing that you could have done for yourself and your family was to know your boundries when it came to her. I know you miss her, I miss her too, but breaking away was the best decision for everyone involved. I love you to pieces, more than you’ll ever know, and if you need me, I am here for you. Keep your head up, your heart in it, and keep loving those kids with all you’ve got. They’re so wonderful, and you’re doing a great job. 🙂 I love you, and I miss you.

  2. […] When I moved to Oklahoma my husband and I made the decision to not talk to her anymore.  Due to her illness we thought it best for our kids to not have contact with […]

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